tricks of the trade: ace a first date

Warning: This article contains large amounts of sarcasm and a complete lack of validity. Reader discretion is advised.

I don't have a great track record with relationships. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for a total of two weeks before we decided it just wasn't working. But despite this apparent lack of luck in love, I am still out there, looking for my soulmate on every dating app available (unsuccessfully of course). And so I've decided to compile a list of the hottest tips to ace a first date, and make sure you get a second! Don't worry- you'll be well on your way to your next soul-crushing relationship in no time!

TIP #1: BRING YOUR PET/EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ANIMAL

It's important to let your date know that you have other priorities, like a pet that you depend on for your emotional health. Be sure your pet is disruptive as well- I'm talking barking, scratching, and maybe even jumping out of the water if you have a fish. Make it clear to your date that you have no intention of preventing your pet from acting out, and order your pet the most expensive meal on the menu.

TIP #2: CONSIDER AN ALTEREGO

You know how everyone always tells you to be yourself? Forget that! Instead go with an intricately crafted alternate identity- but be sure you get all the nuances right so your date thinks you are being truthful. It's all in the details.

TIP #3: DISCUSS YOUR OTHER DATES

Again, it's vital that your date knows that you have a full life filled with options, including additional romantic interests. Be sure to emphasize the qualities that you feel your date is most insecure about, and mention that your additional dates have said qualities in spades.

TIP #4: BE CLEAR ABOUT WHO IS PAYING THE CHECK

Your date needs to know that they will be paying the check, and you will not be contributing a single penny. And don't forget to be clear that you are not interested in putting out, and that they also need to pay for the meal for your emotional support animal as well. Be as obnoxious about this as possible.

TIP #5: LEAVE ABRUPTLY

Be sure to end the date on an awkward note. You can get creative with this one.