LIMERENCE WORTHY ATTIRE

an ode to The Onion: local woman spends entire Valentine's Day alone cuddling her cat

Local woman Rachel Stewart has been in bed with her 8-month-old kitten, Jezebel Rapunzel Stewart, nearly the entire day. A source close to Stewart commented, "I mean, I knew Rachel was kind of depressed and a little obsessed with her cat, but I didn't know it was this bad. She won't even leave the house to drink with me!" Stewart reportedly started the marathon cuddle session this morning, refusing to stop even while sending important work emails. She commented, "Look, Jezebel is my baby and I have to make sure she doesn't grow up with emotional problems, ok!? This has nothing to do with the crushing isolation of being single on Valentine's Day." At press time Stewart was still in bed with Jezebel, near tears. She stated, "Just get me some freaking chocolates ok!?" This reporter had no consolation for the obviously distraught woman.

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