Breaking News: Binge Eating on National Doughnut Day

News stations across the country have been swarmed with reports that millions of people "totally binge ate" a bunch of doughnut confections in honor of national doughnut day. Sally Winters, local California resident, comments " I just drove to Krispy Kreme, and then Dunkin' Donuts, and then someplace called Jerome's Donuts, or something like that, and then after that I just don't remember where I drove and what I ate." Citizens across the country report similar binge-driven blackouts and others have shared that even their dreams were filled with doughnuts. "Everything around me was jelly-filled," says James Jordan, Wyoming native, in a wistful tone. After countless phone interviews this reporter has concluded that things will only get worse on National Chocolate Ice Cream day.